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We Have to Own Our Part to Heal Our Broken Heart and Find a Deeper Love

“True love does not only encompass the things that make you feel good, it also holds you to a standard of accountability.” ~Monica Johnson

I remember the confusion I felt as it slowly began to register to me that he had indeed read all of my messages and was indeed ignoring me. Even though my eyes were telling me this, it still didn’t make any sense.

Just the day before, he’d initiated contact, called me beautiful, and wanted to know the details of my day. We’d talked all day that day, as we normally did. But this was a new day. And he ghosted me. He discarded me.

It hurt like hell. My heart felt like it had literally been ripped out of my chest by the Hulk. It was forceful and it was intense.

This absolutely could not be happening. So I ashamedly sent a few more messages, but he still ignored me.

My tears flowed like a steady spring rain. My head hurt. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to do anything but see a notification from him, proving me wrong. Proving to me that he did not ghost me, that this was a terrible dream.

But that solace never came.

For the first few days after this, I craved him like my favorite dish.

But then I started to realize that this man who’d shared so much intimacy with me had just left me with no explanation. No goodbye.

So I became angry.

I was slowly going through the grieving process. Denial. Sadness. Now anger. I was about to enter my next phase, which was acceptance. I reached this phase through accountability. I realized that even though the way he exited our relationship wasn’t mature, I wasn’t innocent.

I’d been needy, desperate, and clingy, and I’d hung my self-esteem on his “hey beautiful” texts like a person gasping for air. He was my air. His validation is where my self-worth started and began.

I began to realize that I had pushed and pressured him. I had made him the source of my joy. I had put a heavy burden on him. I was taking love from him and not giving him love in the way he needed it.

It would have been easy to play the victim, to say “woe is me” and hate him. It would have been easy to be resentful, bitter, and full of venom.

But instead, I chose the road of accountability.

I extended him grace and realized that as humans, we are always doing what we feel is best for us at each moment. I extended him forgiveness and I forgave myself.

I looked back over the last months and realized that I had abandoned myself. I had abandoned the self that was secure and had outsourced my self-esteem to him. It wasn’t fair to him. He hadn’t signed up for that.

Yes, he could have handled it better. He could have had a conversation with me. He could have done all kinds of things. But at the end of the day, that’s his cross to bear. My cross is that I had to begin to heal from this experience, I had to grow from this experience, and I had to evolve into a woman who was ready for true, genuine, reciprocal love.

I knew, deep in my heart, that he was the catalyst. So I thanked him. I released the hurt, anger, and confusion. It turned out that ghosting experience was the best thing that could have happened to me because it put me on the journey to true love.

Through this experience I learned:

-The importance of knowing your worth in a relationship

-To recognize and understand my boundaries

-That it’s okay to be selfish and put your needs first in dating

-What it really means to love and accept myself

The day I thanked him in my heart and released the pain from that experience I learned so much. That day mostly taught me how living as a victor will attract the deepest love you have ever felt. I’m so happy I didn’t listen to my ego and stay in victimhood. I conquered. I took accountability.

If you choose to see what you gain from breakups, even the ones that break your heart into a million pieces, you will be much closer to experiencing a love so strong it will knock you off your feet.

If you want a deeper love, you need to be whole. Wholeness requires healing.

So many people are walking around as empty zombies, full of resentment and bitterness. Usually this happens when we’re unable to take responsibility for our part in a hurtful situation.

I understand you may have been cheated on, lied to, left in the cold, used, or, like me, you were ghosted. But do you see how in some ways you might have ignored red flags, or you were not firm in your boundaries, or how you sought validation outside of yourself, or were clingy, or pressured the other person into a relationship?

I am not blaming you. I am not making you wrong. I am asking you to take accountability for how this situation can teach you where you are wounded, and use it as your catalyst. After you’ve come out the other side you will be so much closer to transformative love.

The purpose of accountability is not to negate what the other person did or to make you feel regret, shame, or guilt. Those emotions do not serve you; they only keep you stuck in a downward spiral.

No, accountability is about realizing you have more power than you think. In many cases we get our hearts broken because we give our power away. We make others responsible for our happiness, joy, and worth. It’s not fair to them.

When we put people in this position, they may feel cornered. They may feel they have no other option but to run. That doesn’t condone immaturity or insensitivity. But odds are, they don’t mean to hurt us; they just don’t know what to do. It happens. If we dry our eyes and ease our anger we will see that this situation provides an opportunity to take a deep look at ourselves and recognize just how much love we are giving ourselves.

In order to get love from anyone else, we have to love and heal ourselves. We then are able to attract whole and healthy people who are ready to love us like we truly deserve.

Guess what?

The next man I met became the love of my life. And six years later, he has never ghosted me.

About Angela Holcomb

Angela S. Holcomb, aka the Wifed Up Coach, coaches women on how to embrace their authentic feminine essence and become high value women who date intentionally. She is also the author of, 21 Days of Feminine Magnetism, you can get the first two chapters of her book free on her site. Also, be sure to join her Facebook group.

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post We Have to Own Our Part to Heal Our Broken Heart and Find a Deeper Love appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

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7 Insanely Easy Productivity Hack/s That’ll 10X Your Effectiveness

One thing almost everyone wants to do in 2019 is to get more done. And while resolutions rarely last, these productivity hacks can help you get more done than you thought possible.

Humans always want to do more and we live in a society where “doing more” is often rewarded. Instead of cranking out another energy drink or pulling more late nights, learn how to become more productive.

I’m confident if you follow these 7 productivity hacks you’ll have the most efficient year of your life.

7 Insanely Easy to Follow Strategies For Greater Productivity

Work on Stuff You Love

Have you ever noticed that when you’re doing work you love that time flies? But when you’re working on something you care less about time stands still?

If this sounds like how you spend a majority of your day, I recommend that you figure out how to spend more time doing what you love. That’s not to say quit your job and follow your passion tomorrow.

If you like your employer, try to find a new role, ask for a promotion or create your own. Or, if you’re over it, then leave! Go all in your passion to spend more time doing what you love.

FIND WORK YOU LOVE AND YOU WON‘T WORK A DAY IN YOUR LIFE 7 Insanely Easy Productivity Hacks That'll 10X Your Effectiveness

Turn Your Phone on Airplane Mode

Social media, texts, emails, and every other notification make it nearly impossible to get work done in a timely fashion. If you want to do more, simply put your phone in airplane mode and out of sight. The less you’re on your device, the more you’ll get done and the more you’ll realize it doesn’t control you!

Do the Hard Stuff First

Sometimes it’s hard to get momentum if you have 5-10 things you need to accomplish in a day. If this is the case, I recommend doing the hard stuff first. Knock down the big domino to create momentum for the rest of your tasks.

Plus, if the rest of the day gets busy you completed the biggest tasks of the day!

7 Insanely Easy Productivity Hacks That'll 10X Your Effectiveness EITHER YOU RUN THE DAY OR THE DAY RUNS YOU jim rohn quote

Minimize Meetings As Much as Possible

Let’s face it, most corporate meetings last about 10x longer than they need too. Try to minimize your time spend in meetings so you can focus on getting more work done. If you’re running meetings, try to shorten them and get people out of the boredom.

Declutter Your Home and Workspace

Have you ever noticed when your desk or home is a mess you feel the same? I know personally that the cleaner and less clutter, the better I feel. To get more done, clean up the house or desk to make it tidy.

Decluttering makes it easy to find clarity and get more done in less time.

7 Insanely Easy Productivity Hacks That'll 10X Your Effectiveness The clearer your vision, the stronger your intent.

Minimize Your Information

Another easy productivity hack to getting more done is commit to doing, reading, or consuming less. Don’t read 12 websites every day or subscribe to 20 email lists. That clutter I was referring too in the previous hack happens with technology as well.

Minimize all of your content or have set times where you check email or social media instead of looking all day every day.

Wake Up Early & Crush Your Mornings

If you want to get more done, wake up earlier. It’s simple but it’s true. You have to maximize your time awake so you can accomplish more tasks.

Once you’re up, look to win each morning. If you can spend time on self-care and get the hardest thing done, you’re well on your way to an epic day.

Hopefully, these productivity hacks will help you get more done in 2019. Remember, less is more. Once you stop trying to do everything, then you can do anything.

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3 Healing Practices to Connect with Yourself and Release Your Pain

“Our practice rather than being about killing the ego is about simply discovering our true nature.” ~Sharon Salzberg

One of the symptoms of living in today’s fast-paced world is the underlying feeling of loneliness, overwhelm, and disconnection. Chronically stressed and under financial and familial pressures, we often feel alone in the world, out of touch with others, overwhelmed by our emotions, and disconnected from our own bodies and ourselves.

Our world is ego-driven. We constantly compare ourselves to others, judge our performance (usually harshly), define our worth by our financial and career achievements, and criticize ourselves for failure.

This ego-based drive for success and happiness is of course ineffective. We keep wanting more, never feeling quite satisfied. And that’s because our definition of happiness as something that can be obtained externally is fundamentally misguided.

It’s a good thing to achieve external success and take pride in what we’ve accomplished through hard work. However, happiness comes when we feel fulfilled, and in order to feel fulfilled we need more than material possessions and accolades—we need to feel loved and that we belong.

This feeling was always fleeting for me growing up. A difficult childhood and my highly sensitive personality meant I grew up believing that there was something wrong with me. Feeling deeply insecure, and without an anchor at home, I had a hard time making friends and felt mostly misunderstood, hurt, and alone.

Eventually, chaos at home and bullies at school led me to disconnect, both from my body and myself. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere, so I made myself small, almost disappearing behind a veil of hurt, fear, and shame.

I associated my body with pain, and love with getting hurt. Living in my head was safe, and so I put up big walls around my heart and decided to make the best of what I was given.

I compensated for internal pain and emptiness with external validation: straight A’s, degrees, a career in high tech, people pleasing, perfecting, performing, putting on a mask to make myself look better than I felt. Eventually, I found love and friends, but the internal angst was still there, unexamined.

Unbeknownst to me, my ego was in control and the driving force behind my constant search for approval and validation. This perpetual state of searching for contentment kept me feeling empty, unhappy, and alone.

Running from yourself can only work for so long. Eventually, the walls I built became my prison.

I had to face my pain, confront my fears, and unleash the chains I’d built around my heart so that I could go on living, not just functioning.

If I wanted a fulfilled life, I had to look inside and find love there first. I had to undo years of disconnect and pain, and reconnect with my body and my heart. I had to recalibrate my life toward inner peace and joy, and away from self-focus, fear, and my perceived brokenness and separateness.

Over the years I spent healing and getting back to myself, I discovered that some practices can help us drop the swelled up ego just enough so that we can embrace our life with love. Those practices include…

Reconnecting with Our Body

At some point in our lives, most of us went through a traumatic experience that left us feeling disconnected from our body. Childhood abuse, sexual trauma, a car accident—all those experiences can lead to disembodiment.

Even if we were lucky enough to avoid trauma, we live in a world of chronic stress and overwhelm, which puts a lot of strain on our bodies. We often operate in “survival mode” and experience chronic muscle tension, fatigue, and pain.

When our body has been the source of pain, we might want to disconnect and numb out in order to protect ourselves from the hurt. We end up living in our head, often completely unaware of what is going on in our body.

Getting back in touch with our body is the first step in healing our soul, opening our heart, and dropping our ego. And yoga is a perfect tool here.

Yoga is a gentle practice that can help us reconnect with our body. Yoga means unity, between the body and mind. With breath as an anchor, flowing through poses while holding ourselves gently, we center and reconnect with ourselves in the present moment.

We get out of our head (and our ego-based identity), and back to our body and our true self. We quiet the mind, softening its grip as we turn to movement, being fully present and aware.

As we tune into each pose, we begin to feel every part of our body. We start cultivating a close relationship with ourselves, exploring our own feelings, thoughts, and relationships to the poses. Yoga becomes an intimate practice for self-exploration and self-acceptance. And it slowly dissolves the ego as your heart takes center stage.

Certain poses are particularly good for grounding and centering , like child’s pose, tree pose, and warrior poses. There are also many heart-opening poses—like camel, bow, or bridge poses—most of which focus on rotating our shoulders, opening our ribs, and doing backbends, which release muscle tension and unlock sensation in the heart center (also great for anxiety relief).

Kundalini yoga is another practice for awakening and healing our energy body and releasing trauma/blocks, whether in our heart center, root center, or elsewhere.

The important thing is to focus less on the “exercise” component of it and more on the mind-body-heart connection that happens when you slow down and become really present in your practice.

Befriending and Taming our Mind

Once we’ve reconnected with our bodies, we need to befriend our mind, which can easily be overwhelmed by fears, worries, doubts, self-criticism, and obsessive thoughts. We can do that through meditation.

Mindfulness meditation specifically helps us cultivate a sense of awareness and teaches us to look inward, observe our experience, and learn to let go. It brings to our attention the impermanence of life—as our thoughts and sensations change constantly, so does our experience. This means we can let go of our grip and take life as is, moment by moment.

With the breath anchoring us in the present moment, we gain a sense of freedom from our past troubles and future worries. Our fears fall away and freedom sets in—freedom to choose how we experience life that’s in front of us.

With practice, we learn to notice feelings, and emotions underneath those feeling, and the thoughts underneath those. There’s a freedom in that too—freedom to choose to not buy into those thoughts, to let go of them and choose differently. We learn to respond wisely to what’s in front of us, choosing love instead of reacting from our unconscious programming and out of learned fear.

By observing our thoughts and sensations we learn to recognize when we are afraid, hurt, angry, or ashamed, and that awareness is what allows our ego to fall away.

We begin to understand the meaning behind our experience and surround ourselves with compassion for our pain, holding ourselves with tenderness and care. We learn to drop our fears and our beliefs about ourselves and the world, and begin to live from our heart, our authentic self.

When we meditate, we start to gain a better understanding of ourselves, and our way of being starts to shift. We come into wholeness, the realization that our lives are both joyful and painful, and no, we are not damaged, we’re simply human. And the best thing we can do is to love ourselves in this moment, to offer ourselves the care and compassion we need in order to feel soothed and safe. And then we can extend that love and care to others as well. We all suffer and have moments of struggle; this simple acknowledgement can open our heart and connect us all.

In moments of chaos or anxiety, when our mind is restless or overwhelmed, we can do simple practices that will calm our mind and tame our inner dialogue. A particularly nourishing practice is Tara Brach’s RAIN of self-compassion meditation. By observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment—the core of mindfulness meditation—we can shift from pain to compassion in a gentle way.

Another practice to try is loving-kindness meditation popularized by Sharon Salzberg.

And if sitting meditation is too hard for us, we can tap into a meditative state through movement. Rhythmic exercises such as walking, swimming, or dancing can help integrate our body-mind and reset the nervous system through the rhythmic flow of movements that will relax and soothe our mind. These will ground us in the present moment so that we can be there for ourselves, and others.

Accepting and Rewriting our Story

If we’ve been running from our pain for a long time, as I once did, this pain becomes our story; our ego is entangled in it. It’s time to untangle and release it so that we can make a new ending. It’s time to rewrite our story.

I’ve found journaling to be particularly helpful because it allows me to explore my thoughts and feelings without worrying about being judged, criticized, or rejected for who I really am.

Through journaling, we can uncover our inner pain and suffering and bring to the conscious our fears of feeling not good enough, unlovable, and ultimately alone.

As we explore our deepest thoughts and try to make sense of our experience, we begin to discern our true feelings from adaptations and programming that we’ve accumulated over our lifetime—messages we received from our family, peers, and society as a whole. We tap into our inner wisdom and intuition, and gain a new perspective on ourselves and the events in our lives.

Writing is like having a deep conversation with ourselves. Faced with our shame, grief, and the sheer depth of our pain, we learn to offer ourselves the compassion and care we’ve been searching for outside of ourselves. Tending to the wounds we’ve been avoiding, we develop empathy for ourselves as a vulnerable and wounded person.

Journaling is the ultimate release; we can drop our masks and explore our hang-ups and limitations head on. We slowly unpack our deep-seated beliefs, bringing them to light. This deepens our inner knowing, helping us examine and change our beliefs about ourselves and the world. As we release the pain we’ve been holding onto our whole life, our hearts begin to soften, our armor drops, and our story changes.

There are two main ways you can journal to heal: expressive writing and prompt-based writing.

To begin expressive writing, relax your body and close your eyes. Look inward and wait for thoughts to arrive. Begin writing them down without censoring yourself. Spill it all out onto paper, letting your unconscious step forward, giving it a voice. Bring up your real feelings about yourself and the world—and not just what you’ve been conditioned to believe.

Prompt-based writing can help you think about how your family history, your cultural background, and your religion have all played roles in why you are the way you are.

For example:

  • How did your family of origin show (or withhold) love?
  • What are you most ashamed about regarding your family?
  • What did you not get as a child that you are now seeking as an adult?
  • How was anger expressed or repressed in your family growing up?

By examining your past and what shaped you, you can shed a light on your unconscious patterns and the beliefs that you accepted as truths. This is the first step in changing them and rewriting your story.

These three practices—yoga, mindfulness, and journaling—helped me heal, reconnect with myself, and learn to love myself, and self-love is a prerequisite to feeling the love and belonging that leads to happiness.

Whether you’ve experienced some sort of trauma or you’ve disconnected from yourself as a consequence of living in our stressed out, achievement-focused world, these practices can help you too.

By making a little time to reconnect with your body, befriend your mind, and rewrite old stories that no longer serve you, you’ll soon stop being a slave to your ego and start living a freer, happier, more authentic life.

About Joanna Ciolek

Joanna Ciolek is a self-taught artist, recovering self-critic, and a firm believer in the transformative powers of mindfulness. She runs a free 20-week mindful self-discovery course to help others overcome self-defeating patterns and build self-compassion. She is also the author The Art Of Untangling, a writing journal/coloring workbook for deeper self-inquiry, healing and transformation! Follow Joanna on Twitter and Instagram.

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